Ichigo flavor
by Vicarious Lurker
Summary: Ichigo, Rukia, and a strawberry flavored after dinner treats. Or NOT. Hint: Not something edible, but too precious to throw away. Chapter 2: plus the classmates.
1. Chapter 1

**Bleach – Strawberry flavor **

_Summary: When Rukia offers Ichigo some sort of strawberry flavored dessert, how will the boy reacts when he discovers what exactly is it? Hint: Not something edible, but too precious to throw away. _

A/N: many thanks to anGeL Hinaningyou who pointed out the mistake on the last line. Feedback is appreciated!

- - -

Ichigo had received many questions from Rukia about the convenience of the modern world. He wonders about the girl's senses sometimes, how she manages to send souls of the modern world and doesn't even try to understand their way of life until she's forced to live like one. He's completely aware about her being workaholic and all (he has bruises to prove that), how she divides the people of being plus and hollows, and Ichigo thinks that it is too simple.

The first problem is about juice packs and straws. The second is a can of soda. The third is the remote controller. (Yup, he still wonders how she uses that cell phone for her work.) The fourth is computer. The fifth is condoms.

Yeah, you heard it right, Condoms. And strawberry flavored to add.

It happens on a calm Wednesday evening after dinner, when everything simply seemed to be in order. Keigo has this annoying tendency to borrow his homework right before every class, and as he places his textbooks and stationery on his desk, he feels somebody tapping his back. Glancing over his shoulder, he sees Rukia looking back at him, scooping up whatever's left on her plate. Tonight's dinner is curry rice, and as he sees her licking her spoon clean, splotches of curry on her mouth, Ichigo considers that maybe Soul Society is a really bad place to survive. "Do you want dessert?"

Ichigo shrugs. "Maybe later, after I finish this."

"You like strawberry?"

"Well, I don't really have a sweet tooth, but it's okay once in a while," Ichigo says, opening his book and spreading it on his desk.

"Say, do you know how to eat these?"

Getting impatient, he spins his body around to get a good look on the dessert Rukia mentioned. Ichigo is ready to snatch whatever juice packs or canned food or drinks, but he stops dead track when he sees what Rukia is holding in her hand, hanging a mere two inches off his face. His first thought is: _What the fu--?_

"...Where the hell did you get those?" Ichigo asks after a long moment of silence.

"I bought it at a convenience store nearby," Rukia beams with delight, blushing a bit at her own bravery. "Well, it has quite an appealing logo. The cashier guy even complimented my choice."

There on the floor, lies a box of PlayBunny condoms, labeled as strawberry flavored. It takes Ichigo less than two seconds and a glance to the packaging to completely understand what made Rukia buy the stuff. The logo, indeed, is of a rabbit's head wearing a bow tie. He can only watch as Rukia starts tearing off the plastic wrapping, and pulls out the thing inside. It's dangling right off Rukia's hand, and the girl stares at it with a furrowed brow. The disappointment in her façade spells it downright: she had expected bunny shaped biscuits filled with strawberry cream, not... the object in her hand.

"How do you eat this?" She turns the thing upside down, flips it inside out, and pulls it to stretch it even more. "Wow. Very...elastic. It must be hard to chew on this."

Ichigo watches all of this without blinking and with a somewhat unclenched jaw.

"Hey, Ichigo, do I just put this in my mouth?"

He almost screams when Rukia dangles the thing high over her open mouth. "DON'T EAT IT!"

Ichigo scratches his head awkwardly as Rukia stares unknowingly at him, and he tries futilely to fight off the blush that starting to occupy his face. "I mean, you can't do that. That thing is...not food."

His answer only makes her brows twitch even more, and her eyes shout 'LIAR!' at him. "But it says strawberry flavor on the box," Rukia replies.

_D'oh!_ "Yeah, well, but..."

"Didn't you give me that yogen, rogurt, what's that creamy pink thing inside a plastic cup we eat last week?"

"True, we eat strawberry yogurt last week, but-"

"And that cold food on the crispy cone?"

"Strawberry ice cream, yeah, but they're edible!" Ichigo points the thing indignantly. "This one's not!"

She stares at Ichigo for a while, and turns her attention to the thing in her hand, as if expecting it to start wriggling to life and prove Ichigo's a big fat liar. "If it's not edible, then why do they make it strawberry flavored?"

"Er, well, that's-"

"And we eat fresh strawberries with cream. And those crispy stick things, that...ducky?"

"...Pocky?"

"Yeah, they made them strawberry flavored to eat!" Rukia counters vehemently. "Then how come you're telling me this one's inedible!"

"Don't yell! Somebody's gonna hear you!"

Rukia clamps her mouth hurriedly, and steals a quick look at the bedroom's door. The rest of the family is still watching TV downstairs, and she can hear Yuzu and Isshin's muffled voice through the rifts, imitating Don Kanonji's obnoxious laugh. Ichigo recoils for a second, and sighs at Rukia's stubbornness. Sure, she has learned about the modern things at a well enough pace, but this one is just...ARGHHH! Rubbing his throbbing temples, he stares back at her. "Listen, they don't make those things...those condoms for eating. It's for another purpose."

Rukia raises an eyebrow. "Such as?"

Now this is one question he just can't bear. Explaining it will take a decade out of his life, and he's afraid that if he avoids this question, Rukia will run to Keigo or Mizuiro who will gladly help her...and will explain it with _an example_. Ichigo shudders at the thought. At this point, he feels ready for anything—even banging his forehead repeatedly to the wall if that will end the ludicrous questions. Sighing heavily, he turns his chair fully to face Rukia.

"First, pay attention to the shape of that thing," He points the thing curtly.

"Yeah?"

"Does it resemble anything to you?"

"Hmm...it's long, slim and elastic."

"And?" _Please understand_, _pleaseunderstandpleaseunderstandpleaseunderstandpleaseunderstand__dammit! _

Rukia places a finger over her cheek and looks up. "Banana?"

"No."

"Cucumber?"

"Definitely not."

"Carrot?"

"Wrong."

"Turnip?"

"Guess again."

"I give up."

"This isn't a freakin' game, you know!"

Rukia stares back at him, defiant. "If you're not telling me, I'm gonna ask somebody else who knows," With that, she shoves the thing inside the open box. And inside of him, Ichigo can feel it, hear it, his teenage life crumbling slowly to ruin.

Feeling defeated, Ichigo finally replies under his breath. "They make it for...love making."

It takes a moment for Rukia to register this in her mind, and as a result, she stops dead track. "But they make this strawberry flavored," she finally mutters, after a long dumbfounded period.

"It's...to prevent...pregnancy," Ichigo answers again, this time almost a whisper.

"...But they make this strawberry flavored."

"ARGGHHHH!" Ichigo yanks his hair impatiently, as if pulling out his hair can also diminish his anxiety. "Don't ask me why! Can't you figure it out on your own!" Turning his chair furiously, the substitute shinigami goes back to his homework.

But Rukia sees how Ichigo tries to hide his flushing cheeks with a hand over his face, and she turns back, realizing that she still has the item in her hand. When the realization strikes her for the second time, she yelps out a small squeal and the thing lands inside Ichigo's school bag. Perfectly.

Little does Ichigo know what Keigo will do when he finds the thing inside Ichigo's text book tomorrow...


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2 **

**_"And my heart will go on and oooooooonnnn---" _**

Kurosaki Ichigo slides his bedroom window open, blood shot eyes wary at the Plus. "SHUT UP! It's three in the morning, asshole!" As if placing a stress on it, he aims his hard back copy of 'The Taming of the Shrew' to the ghost's head, where it just goes through and lands tersely on the asphalt.

Pale and almost translucent under the crescent moon, the soul blinks back at Ichigo, whose vein were throbbing in each temple. He clears his throat and opens his mouth, and Ichigo almost winces. **_"Love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime---" _**

"GAAAAH!" Ichigo slams his window close with a bang, and trudges indignantly to his closet. Opening it, he finds the shinigami asleep on her side, nuzzling a stuffed bunny. "Oi, Rukia! Get up!" He shakes her body roughly, ignoring the falsetto, spine-chilling voice that protrudes through his window. "I need to do the Soul Burial or at this rate I'll lose more sleep!"

There is no significant response until he snatches Chappy away from her grasp. Asleep. Rukia looks almost adorable—but at the moment she snaps her eyes open, Ichigo find no time to guard himself from any bodily harm. He collapses to the floor, clutching his stomach and grumbling incoherent foul epithets. The bunny is back in its owner's hands.

"I need my beauty sleep, jerk. We'll give him the proper burial in the morning," With that, she shuts the closet door.

Silence for a while, and deep breaths, as Ichigo realizes the atrocious singing voice is gone. He closes his eyes and feels himself drifting to comfortable sleep at last...

**_"And spaces between us, you have come to show you go oooon---" _**

He can only bury his face to the pillow to stop screaming at his closet door again.

-

Sometime at six in the morning the Plus finally stops singing, and by that time, Ichigo already wakes up with a very dreadful feeling in his stomach.

Truth be told, Ichigo never takes a sick leave from school ever since he's a wee twelve years old. Without his mother around and a father that works at home – he'll never have a good rest. Isshin had cooked horrible egg porridge for him when he has a high fever, and forcibly sang him a lullaby. If only the porridge didn't taste like melted rubber and smelled like gasoline and his father didn't sing like a cow in heat, he'd have appreciated the effort.

After packing his stationery and books into the bag pack, Ichigo knocks on his closet twice.

Rukia comes out of the closet fully dressed in her uniform, and her eyes inspect the bedroom floor warily, casting a cautious look in the corner of the room and under the bed, ignoring Ichigo completely.

He watches her shady activity for a while. "You lost something?"

"Gyaaaah!" Rukia instinctively jumps back and lands a perfect kick to Ichigo's shin. "Don't do that! You almost gave me a heart attack!"

Clutching his shin, he looks up to glower at her. "I was here all the time, dammit!"

"Oh, sorry, didn't see you there-"

Just then, they hear Yuzu's voice from downstairs. "Nii-saaan! Breakfast is ready!"

"Coming!" Ichigo hoists his bag pack to his shoulder and walks to the door. "Listen, you go look for whatever you lost, I need to go down there or she'll come up here."

Rukia watches him disappearing behind the door, and quickly kneels down to search under the bed. Nope, no such luck. She has lost that thing, and can't find it anywhere. She gets up and shrugs. _Maybe that thing just decided to disappear for its own good, _Rukia thinks. Just when she is climbing over the window sill, a loud crash comes from inside the house.

Unfortunately for her, things will not turn out the way she wants it to be...

-

Kurosaki Ichigo never believes in fortune telling. The fortune for those under the zodiac Cancer for today, as he read in the magazine last night is, "_Expect a sunny and bright day, lady luck is always with you._"

_Lady luck's a bitch_, Ichigo thinks as he grits his teeth, trying to remember what he had to go through just to arrive at school. He slips on his father's sock as he comes down from the stairs, lands face-first and because Yuzu insists on treating his wounds, there's no time left for breakfast. He needs to run to the school, and almost got hit by a truck on the way. And what's worse, he can't find his wallet anywhere.

Today isn't a good day for Kurosaki Ichigo, and as he grumpily takes out his notebook, Keigo approaches him with a very wide grin. "Ichigoooo, my best buddy, can I-"

"No."

Keigo's eyes brim with tears, and he pounces on Ichigo's desk dramatically. "How could you! I've been your best buddy ever and you give me such a cold reply so early in the morning, when I even haven't finished my qu--"

"All right!" Ochi Sensei entered the classroom, prowling to her desk in light steps. "Everybody, let's get it on!"

Meanwhile, Keigo has slipped his hand to Ichigo's backpack unnoticed, retrieved his homework, and successfully-somehow-drops it to the ground.

One extra thing has fling out in the process, and as Ichigo stumbles to choke Keigo, Rukia's eyes flick cagily to the item in the floor between her desk and Ichigo's, her heart thumping like a mad man's dance. _Of all the places it can be, that thing chooses to be there. No, wait--it was me who accidentally threw it into Ichigo's school bag last night. _

"Keigo, sit down!"

"Buuut, sensei—"

"No buts!"

Fortunately, nobody seems to register this fact yet. She makes a move for the thing, intending to place it in her skirt's pocket, until--

"What is that?"

The innocent, bewildered voice belongs to Inoue Orihime. From her tone, Rukia is positive the girl is just as clueless as she was last night. But that is the least of her worries, as in an instant, the class' attention flick to the object that curiously lay in between the space of their desk. It suddenly feels like Shinou academy again, Rukia thinks, grabbing in her pocket for the memory replacer, only to find a handkerchief instead.

Chad's gruff can be heard from the window.

Ishida sinks his face into his hand.

Tatsuki throws her childhood friend an almost disgusted look.

Mizuiro smiles knowingly.

Chizuru clamps a hand over her horrified face. "WHAT IS THAT DISGUSTING SEXUAL MALE THING DOING HERE!"

Ichigo's eyebrow twitch and his face slowly turn into an unhealthy shade of green, mismatching his hair. Rukia isn't sure if he is going to laugh or cry.

"My God, is that a condom?"

"Did somebody bring that to class? Heh...how clumsy..."

"Wasn't Kurosaki and Kuchiki---"

At that point, she is more than willing to run to Urahara's shop and offer him both her arms and legs to clean up the mess.

"**AAAAHHHHH**!"

Somehow, Ichigo has drawn the class' interest back to himself by almost snapping his desk in two. "O-Ochi Sensei?" He croaks, his voice slightly hoarse and thwarted from the happenings.

Their teacher glanced at him. "Yes, Kurosaki?"

Ichigo's adam's apple bobbed up and down as he swallowed. "I need to go to the bathroom."

Rukia almost slams her forehead to her desk and wonders if she has to offer the blasted salesman her firstborn as well. _No such wittiness! Why can't that idiot think of a better excuse!_

Asano Keigo shoots the object on the floor a startled look, then to Ichigo's notebook beside it, and sure enough, he slowly raises his face to Rukia, and eventually to Kurosaki. His look is skeptical enough, and it's not too long until he put up two and two together, raising a disbelieving finger, pointing both shinigami back and forth with a horrified look.

Yes, leave it to Asano Keigo for lewd comments of the day.

Strangely enough, Ichigo looks both suicidal and homicidal at the same time.

"ICHIGO, YOU FILTHY MAN, HOW COULD YOU WITH KUCHIKI-SAN—"

All the while, Rukia is chanting mentally: _this is not happening, this is not happening, this is not happening, this is not happening, this is not happening, this is not-- _

In the human's language, what follows shortly after is called 'all hell breaks loose'. It starts with Keigo screaming out of control, Chizuru's shrieks, and the endless teasing and wolf-whistles from the classmates that slowly whittles down their sanity. ("Kurosaki, you STUD, you!")

Ochi-sensei's effort to calm her class is in vain.

_happening..._

-

"That would be 2000 Kan, thank you very much!"

Rukia grumblingly reaches inside her pocket to retrieve the needed cash. "Remind me not to take any of your recommendations again, Urahara."

"Ah, but Miss Kuchiki, a salesman got to do what he does best: business." Urahara's fan spreads open, spelling the word P-R-O-F-I-T.

She stubbornly crosses her arms. "You _tricked_ me to buy _that thing_."

"I AM HURT, Miss Kuchiki!" The salesman throws a hand before his face and sighs dramatically. "I never encouraged you to buy it. All I did is point the fact that it has a product design that you might like. I, for once, never knew that my loyal patron has a soft spot for bunnies..."

"You didn't tell me what it's for!"

"Details, details." The fan waves dismissively. "Who needs them?"

Rukia resists the great urge to punch the man's face in and run away with the store's money. Besides, Tessai is lurking in the corner, and he's holding this huge baseball bat...

"Still, you gotta admit that Mr. Kurosaki has a very..." Urahara bends down until he reaches her eye level, and his eyebrows wriggle in a suggestive fashion. "..._fascinating_ reaction, right?

Suddenly, Rukia finds it very hard to stop the blood rushing to her face.

Under his fan, the man lets a triumphant smile to grace his face. "Would you like to check our latest products? We have all sort of new flavors, even the rare peach tea and red bean paste..."

-

At the Kurosaki Clinic, 15-year-old Kurosaki Ichigo sneezes, thinking about the his latest ordeal and the sandal-hat bastard loitering on his classroom's windowsill, offering them a deal that would be a shame of a lifetime to miss. ("It would end up like the damage's never been done! But you have to wait until tomorrow!") And for the sake of his high-flying reputation, Ichigo, for once, has to agree.

Orihime comes to him after class, whispering, "Kurosaki-kun, I think it's a very manly water bottle!" before Tatsuki, who looks very furious, drags her away.

Ishida pushes his glasses up, and pretended like he never saw anything. That is, until he passes over and shoots him a sly look. "Can't wait to show everyone, Kurosaki?"

Mizuiro slaps his back, and tells Ichigo that he's so damn proud of him.

And after all that, Keigo (and Chad!) eventually gives him a thumbs' up.

Slumping down his bed, Ichigo lets out a very long sigh. If he has enough with just one shinigami, what will FIVE more do to him?


End file.
